My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.