It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Love this one 😂🧟
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid