I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
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Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.