ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night