At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
inside you are two wolves
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I wish I were this cool 😂
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad