Well, shit
You Might Also Like
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.