*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Single and childfree like Jesus
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
and now we wait
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it