*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Cats are still liquid.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.