Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked