Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.