my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
🤭😂
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.