flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Are we there yet?…
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”