Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
The glockness monster
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.