Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Encore…
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”