I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
love pickles so much i put myself in one
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
boat question
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.