The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
normalize having existential bread
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
for all #parents out there
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-