Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
my dad has had enough
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free