[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Not😆🤣
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.