I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
You Might Also Like
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
How wrong was this guy?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.