WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
You Might Also Like
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.