I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.