Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.