For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*