Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.