Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*