If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.