Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.