[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“HELP WITH CAT”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.