Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Go hard or stay average
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year