*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.