You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
me when the borders lift
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.