I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.