While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
barbara was highly relatable
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what