I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”