This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”