This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell