Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
How did we not see this back then?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.