having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
you have three unread messages
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.