“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
you will never know the true number of layers
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”