Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor