Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.