[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds