This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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Secret Panel HERE 🤘
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Pizza is an emotion right?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today