I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
when dads have a rap battle
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married