Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.