If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.