If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The struggle is real
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Put my back out twerking in the library again