Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”