Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.