still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me